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24HourForums.com > The Top 10 Supported Forums > 24's Open Talk > Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

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Amy
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 Posted: 09:19 pm

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also from igoogle...

I'll try to post a new one everyday.  :cool:

 

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

–Jack Handey

 

 

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Amy
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 Posted: 09:49 pm

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i actually liked yesterdays' better...but paraphrasing now...it said something like...

 

"My girlfriend was offended when I said 'puke'.  But that's what her dinner tasted like to me."  -Jack Handey  :lmao:
Amy
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 Posted: 04:26 pm

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You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

–Jack Handey

Amy
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 Posted: 03:03 pm

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:haha:When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. 

–Jack Handey

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 Posted: 03:03 pm

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When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

–Jack Handey

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 Posted: 03:03 pm

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When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven,
choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

–Jack Handey

Amy
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 Posted: 03:31 pm

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When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

–Jack Handey

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 Posted: 03:19 pm

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Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

–Jack Handey

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 Posted: 03:32 pm

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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

–Jack Handey

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 Posted: 02:53 pm

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The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

–Jack Handey

Amy
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 Posted: 06:02 am

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:giantgrin:

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

–Jack Handey
Amy
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 Posted: 06:04 am

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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

–Jack Handey
Amy
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 Posted: 04:17 pm

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Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

–Jack Handey

 

::sstupid::

 

:runscared:
Amy
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 Posted: 02:29 pm

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The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. :smitten:This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. ::vsad::He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

–Jack Handey


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Amy
Original500© Member

...going with the flow...
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MyJob: County Outreach
MyForum: Baha'i - here and there. :)
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 Posted: 02:44 pm

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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

–Jack Handey


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