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24HourNut Administrator  Body pillows rock!
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Magenta, welcome aboard as a Forum-Orator!! Thanks for sharing what you are going to share with us. I look forward to reading your "A day in the life of..." blog.  
 The best human beings start good new topics and vote on the better posts. |
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24HourNut Administrator Body pillows rock!
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Log: Growing more concerned: Magenta's anger lately .... Last Blog entry: troublesome. Possible violence pending. More later.
The best human beings start good new topics and vote on the better posts. |
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Saint Forum-Blogger© Pioneer100© Member  Polymath
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Saint if you understand what I've written, could I asked you to look over this piece for me? Would you be able to edit it for me? Pretty please ? After reading your blogging I believe you are the one most qualified. Wow! How can I refuse such a heartfelt request?! Of course I'll look it over, but it looks pretty sound to me already! I'm looking at a few photographs of a family of girls. A couple of sentence fragments here, but it seems to be a style you are trying for. try: "Does she want to discover as much as she can?" The five year old is a confident triumphant little girl with a determination, a kind of force that no one can stop. She runs everywhere; never walks. She is always talking, always asking questions that nobody can answer in the time she demands them to be answered. Oops! You were too slow, she's off again to discover something else. Nice writing! Very powerful! Watch out for words like "cannot" though. Most people would say "can't" I have the same problem. I don't think in contractions when I'm writing. Ask Frank. The seven year old, like her sister, is quick to learn, probing everyone for answers to all her questions. She can fish, she can handle the ferrets, the nets, and the caught rabbits. She has the job of holding the gun for her father. No mistakes. She's devout, she knows God exists. He's taking care of her right now. He can see everything she does and wants to please him. She's going to be a nun one day. She loves to read and draw, she doesn't like maths, although she is good at it. Maths is for boys, so it doesn't matter anyway, she doesn't have to worry about that anymore. Her dad told her so. I think "maths" is an idiom in your part of the world for "Math" so that's fine! In america we would leave off the "s." The ten-year-old is quite different from her sisters. Her teachers keep writing "she'd do well, if she'd just concentrate more and stop talking". Like her younger sisters, she runs everywhere. She loves sport, her mother puts her into gymnastics in the hope that she'll settle down. Unlike her sisters, she cries often at anything and everything. She does not like having her photo taken. Her other sisters hold her head up before a family shot is taken. The grandparents complain that her head is always down. She fights with her sisters often. She is very clean though, and keeps her belongings neat, and not a thing is out of place in her room. This little girl needs order in her life and unlike her sisters she doesn't have the trust that they have in people. Now you're warming up! Nice characterization! The fourteen year old is typical of all fourteen year olds. She's argumentative. She doesn't believe in God or any of that stuff they teach at the church, she stopped going to church a long time ago. She argues with her father often. She hates her mother mostly. She pleads for money all of the time and tries to stay out of the house as much as possible. She hates her older sisters' husbands. "They are WOPS, send them back." Incorrect syntax, but that's OK if you want it to sound like she's talking right there. On the weekends she wears a swastika and Doc martins, much to the horror of her parents. She is quickly heading in the wrong direction. "Doc Martins" has to be capitalized...and that's all you have to say about her "wrong direction?!!" That line is captivating and deserves to be expanded on!! The seventeen year old has beautiful long blond hair and a gorgeous body that she knows how to use. Men do double-takes when she walks past them. Her mother calls her a 'slut ' often. Unlike her younger sister she's already been kicked out of her home. Like her younger sister, she stayed away from home a little too often. Her parents took her out of school early, although it didn't make sense to her, she brought home A's. Isn't that what they wanted? It doesn't matter to her though she can cope on her own, she's always known how to get what she wants and the way to go about it. No one knows what she does for money and nobody need know. She takes care of herself, she doesn't need anybody. Well written! The twenty four year old is a 'clean skin'. She's proper and responsible, she has things to accomplish. She's on a mission, a thing that must be done, but she knows it will destroy her entire family. Like her younger sisters she is man savvy and also has men chasing after her, that's why she has the token boyfriend, to scare the others away. The stress isn't showing on her face yet. She's still pretty. Men tell her often that she has haunting sad eyes. she's sick of hearing it . She does not like men and does not trust them. She never will. EVER. Very descriptive! You have talent! Especially the "sad eyes" line! The 27 year old has been destroyed by her younger sisters' antics. She's hospitalised often and has already had a nervous breakdown. She's a broken woman. She tries to commit suicide but the attempts fail. She's been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. She has nightmares all of the time, but can't seem to talk about them. She hates her younger sisters but feels sad for the little ones. She knows when she looks at their photographs what they are about to face, the trauma and sadness they will experience. Great stuff...Where are we going?!!!!! Is this going to be a complete story? You have all kinds of conflict set up and now I'm chomping on the bit to hear what happens to them!!!  Last edited on 03:36 am by Saint A^2 + B^2 = C^2 |
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Magenta flame Guest
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thank-you Frank That made me laugh I needed that
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Magenta flame Guest
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Saint wrote:
Thank-you sooo much Saint. but that is all there is, It's not a story as such, but a story of one life. All the sisters are one person and the downfall of that one life. Bugger I dont' know how to make it simple enough so people catch on. Is there something I can put in it so as to inform but not give it away? 
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Magenta flame Guest
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Ahhh I've got it ! Talk about the dead eldest sisters' life using the same discription used of the 'sisters'. so in essence the eldest sister was: at the age of two etc. by ten she changed Why? That's where I can put in why this person changed for the worst. YES! brilliant !!!! I need you around Saint you make me think! thanks mate! LUV YA
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1jester Pioneer100© Member  Pilgrim Sojourner
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Magenta flame wrote: Saint wrote:Magenta, that's what I guessed - that it was the story of one person. I don't think it was that hard to guess, if you use your imagination. By the way, I do like your writing style! Could you please tell us from what forum you were banned, and why?
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -Matthew 22:37-39 |
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Magenta flame Guest
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I don't really have a writing 'style ' as such jester I just get bored, sit down and type and whatever comes out, comes out. I don't really think about it. How do you do btw. Still not sure sure why I was banned but I think it best not to say too much because they will probably want to find another reason for banning me. Ask someone else, like 24 or something  Anyway see you in the soup 
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1jester Pioneer100© Member Pilgrim Sojourner
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Magenta flame wrote: I don't really have a writing 'style ' as such jester I just get bored, sit down and type and whatever comes out, comes out. I don't really think about it.So you're a natural genious!! You're gifted!  Really, your style is attractive and thought-provoking. More than that, I think in this piece you're writing from close personal experience. Good work!BTW, I didn't mean to pry into your business with the banning. Take care of yourself and see you around!
Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. -Matthew 22:37-39 |
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