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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member  Just hanging out
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So, here is my blog. I am having so much going on in my life of late, I feel I need the catharsis to help me deal with recent events, past events and my future. Yes, I hope this will help me sort things out. If hyou want to give feedback, I would love it. If you want to just read and go on, that is fine too. Here is a nutshell. Rick and I have been married since 2001. My first, his third. I was already in my 40's when we met. He is two years older. I have always been a bit of a loner, preferring to isolate myself. Not always the best thing. I had also never had a "real" long term relationship. Casual dating yes..but that was it. Here is another part of me. I have never been the best at money management, horrid to be exact. Knowing that, you also need to know that it is hard for me to share information, and be upfront with the people who should matter to me. Real life face to face talk is hard for me. So I told you that so I can tell you this. I have had a bad habit of spending money that I should not spend, rather than spending or saving it for what needs to be spent. Several times I have racked up large credit card bills...and have not told Rick about it. Like he would not find out. He would ask me if I was using the cards, and I would say no.  Then when he would find out, he would get very angry. The most recent was within the last few weeks. Not only did I bounce a check, he found out I had put up to $800 on a card he thought had no balance on it. I had put more on, but got most of it paid. When he had asked before if I was using the card, I said no. He has threatened divorce...because of this. He wants me to get counseling (starting in 2 weeks) and work toward gaining his trust back. Thing is, I have promised this before, and have not been able to follow through. OK, I seem to be ending abruptly, but I feel I need to stop now. I hope to write daily.
 
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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This weekend has been a bit tough. Rick is sick, and I am concerned for him..but still, we are not the same. He said he cannot trust me yet...till I start sticking to promises I have made to change and try to "do better". It is odd, his reasons for becoming so angry, and threatening to leace are brought on by me. BUT...his anger is very explosive. He uses terrible language, will throw things, call me every horrible name in the book..and if something he throws gets broken it is my fault..because he was mad at me. I talked with a RL friend about this, and she called it verbal and emotional abuse. But, even if I earned his anger by what I did? Part of the problem is the debt we are in. Some due to my credit card debt, and some due to the house and vehicles needing repair etc. I have decided to back out of the trip to Disney World in Florida I had planned with Kim, the disabled lady I work as assistant to. One of the other people who was going has agreed to help her with her personal needs. I felt that even though I was going to be paid for my time, I still had to pay for the trip, and felt we could not afford it. When I told Rick he just saw this as another reason to become angry, and said that it shows my "usual" behavior of not following through on commitments. Thing is, if Kim had started to plan this trip NOW, I would have told her I could not go due to not being able to pay for it, and she would have asked someone else to help her. So what am I supposed to do? I try to talk it over with him, and he won't listen. I am going to go to counseling and have suggested he come too..but he refuses and said it is not HIS problem.
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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OK, I am back with another update in the continuing saga. First, let me thank everyone from the feedback I have gotten both in the thread Hamster started and through PM. Last evening Rick and I had a long conversation..about an hour and a half. A bit emotional, but no loud yelling or crying. I told him how much his words hurt me when he uses such negative words. He justified it by saying it was part of his venting his anger...and he would rather use the words than his hands. We talked again about my going into counseling. Again, I agree I need it to deal with my addiction, and my feeling the need to not be truthful with him. I asked him if he would come for a session if the counselor wants and he said he would. Which is a plus, as before he said he wanted no part of coming with me. In my last post I mentioned that due to the financial stuff, I was backing out of the trip to Disney World. Nutshell..there was a group of 6 of us going, including Kim, the lady I work as an assistant to..she has a disability and needs physical help. Another friend going on the trip told us she would help Kim. Anyway, as part of last nights' conversation Rick told me he wants me to go to Disney, we would get it paid. He said even if we made the decision that we could not stay together (we are going to hang in till end of summer..trip is in November) he would make sure that we got the trip paid for. His feeling was that I was obligated to Kim and made a commitment to her, and I need to not back down. I am getting paid for my time there, but I have to pay my own way...airline, hotel , park admissions and meals. So, I will be breaking a bit even in the end. I still do not know how the story will end, and I am not saying there is a light at the end of the tunnel (other than the oncoming train). I have alot I need to work on to make myself better, eve if Rick choses to leave.
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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Well, I went to the counselor last week (who, by the way, rather snootily said to me "I am a therapist, not a counselor!") Did not know there was a difference. Anyway, she suggested I go for a support group for over spenders. I found one that meets Tuesday evenings, and it is not far from me. So I will start next week. Rick did break down and tell me he was glad I was going to the support group, and maybe it will help me with my "interpersonal" skills too. That did not bother me..as I do admit I have trouble getting to know people, and warming up to new people. So if it helps me there, all the better. Last week one day on the way home from work, he said "I think I might need anger management classes or something soon." That did not come entirely out of no where..there were some problems at work. A co-worker who tends toward having temper tantrums had a nother, and Rick tantrumed back at him. Rick said he thought the guy needed anger management...then added the comment about maybe needing them himself. I have more to wrote, but have to leave now..will write more over the weekend.
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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Hello. Me again. It is end of summer. Rick and I are going to hang in there. I have been going to counseling and it seems to be working OK. I stopped going to the debtors annonymous meetings, as I did not feel I was getting anything out of them. Rick was OK with that, so long as I stayed with the counseling for now. He still takes issue with the cost of things...such as the conselor costing $40 a visit. He also said no when I said I wanted to rent a scooter for the trip to Disney. He said it was too much. When I mentioned it to one of the people who is going to Disney with us she said  . And then told me I was getting the scooter...and she would pay half. I could just pay her back half of it when I could.
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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The immediate health crisis with Rick is approaching its end, and I now need to melt down a bit, vent, whine, cry, all that fun girly stuff. Feel free to reply with thoughts via PM or a message in Member lounge. Rick was pretty sick there, blood sugar all nuts, kidney failure. He was pretty hard off. He has finally realized the importance of fully managing his diabetes..and that it will be a full time job for the rest of his life. He HAS to eat better, he HAS to loose alot of weight. He HAS to take better control. I cannot do it for him, I cannot be his mother. Yes I am his wife, and I will support everything he needs to do, including following his diet plan with him. But over the weekend I really lost it, when the realization hit that I nearly lost him. I mean, I am very worried and concerned about my own health issues, and pending surgery. This scare kind of made me really scared. What if this happend while I was away in Florida? What it it happened while I am recovering from surgery and won't be able to drive for a few weeks? I am not good at handling crisis and stress well. It is like every bad thing came rushing at me, and I was totally lost as to what to do, how to behave, how to act. I was talking with my brother on the phone while Rick was in hospital. I did break down a bit then, when bro was reminding me of seriousness of Rick's situation. My brother reminded me that I need to hang in there and be strong, but how, when I cannot seem to manage myself sometimes? It gets really scary, and I sometimes just do not know what to do, think or say. Real life does suck sometimes.
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Marie5656 Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Just hanging out
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So, I am back here. Did not figure I would be writing in here again. But the road is rough again. Counseling was helping, but when the free (insurance based) counseling ended, and the therapist wanted to continue, with me paying the co-pay he said no. He said we could not afford it due to my past $$ issues. Thing is...I felt this was helping me overcome these issues, and if I had to spend some money to overcome spending too much money, and the fibbing..then it was worth it. This, no more counseling. Things are going nuts again. Both vehicles needed work, house needs new roof, kitchen needs new floor. Usual stuff. House is getting old, things need to be replaced. I was getting better with spending, but the stress caused me to backslide some, and go back to not telling him I was using the card for other than things we had agreed on. He got wildly angry again. We were in the truck, and when I was going to get out he started pushing me as I was not getting out "fast enough". Thing is, I am much better since surgery, but doing things like getting in nand out of the truck, and climbing stairs are still a bit of a slow go for me. He took off for a while, then came back all in a worse rant. I got upset enough to leave the house and come back with the guy from across the street. Rick was suddenly "all better" and there was no problem. He has said he is leaving..unless I fix things. He wants me to go to church, though he knows I do not have strong faith. He feels I need to change my outlook on life in order to make things better for me. Partly he is right, I need to be more social and integrate more into real life. He says, maybe he will stay. A friend of his came over last night. They have been friends for almost 20 years. Rick has talked with him about the issues. He and I went out side for a talk. The first thing the friend said was "Rick loves you very much". It is the way I am that makes him crazy. We talked about 45 minutes. Here is the kicker...Rick had told me he wished I would sit and talk with his friend about things. And said he wanted me to. So, the friend comes over, and we talk...and the guy did stay a while longer to visit with Rick. When he left, Rick kind of groused a bit that he had wanted to show tghe friend something and he thought the guy would not come back inside after we talked. So what was I supposed to do? I did what Rick wanted, and he still was upset. Like he was jealous I was taking up the guys time. The friend did recomend a church..one of those Community Churches. And I guess I will start going, I just hope it meets my needs.
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