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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member  Scary Mofo
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Well, look at that...my own little blog space to ramble on to myself, just like in real life, haha! A little bit about me.... I live in a little part of England called East Anglia, famous for flat landscapes, honey, cider, yokels that talk funny (like me) Boudicca and the Iceni tribe way back in the 500's and a glam rock band called The Darkness (I love 'em!) and Adnams real ale. I have a lot of different interests from Motorbikes to History and Literature, and usually have something or another on the go! I'm also a bit of a mixed bag personality wise; sappy and cynical in equal measure, I can get pretty downhearted sometimes but it never takes me long to get up and at 'em again! I would also decribe myself as both conventional in some respects (like my job) and unconventional in others. I think I'm a pretty tolerant person, and like people for who they are, rather than what they represent. Well, that's enough about me for now! I also just want to say how glad I am that I made my way over to 24. I feel so welcome here, and even if people don't agree with me, no-one has been rude about it! Thanks guys, for making me feel a part of it all!
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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Ever since I made a few changes around here, I've felt happier within myself than I have for a long time. Time brings about changes, new situations, new people, new ways of thinking. I think people often try and hang on to what they know is going out the door due to fear of what might be coming in, fear of the unknown. You're now looking at a fear free person! It's my second day of having the flu, and I'm fed up of feeling all scuzzy and spaced out! I hope it doesn't last too long, I'm getting bored now! Plus my eyebrows really need doing, and I'm not turning into something that looks like a neaderthal throwback for anything. Had a bit of a weird surprise today too...I had a message through Myspace from one of Grumpy's colleagues...I hadn't told anyone connected to him that I'm on there. I can only assume he was looking for Grumpy and found me by accident! I've only met the guy at boring work events where I had to try not to do anything embarrassing, hehe! I'm looking forward to the weekend, I'm going to try and get out of what I was meant to be doing so I can go to Wendy bird's!!!
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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Well, I've been off work this week. It started off as a fluey type thing and has progressed into just feeling achey and tired. I'm finding myself dropping off at all kinds of funny hours and I'm sleeping through the night (weird for me.) I don't know if it's just the ole bod needing to shut down for a bit after the last few months, they have been a bit stressful and I've just slogged on and on through it because part of me was worried that the moment I stopped, the world as I knew it may have collapsed around me. As it is, it didn't and things are one hundred percent better and I feel like I'm getting somewhere at last! Now I just want to stop feeling rubbish and get back into the rat race again, unbelieveable really, most people want to do the opposite! Well, I'm feeling kinda dozey again already, so I'm going to go and read on the sofa for a bit. Last edited on 08:58 am by Pinky |
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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I feel great. In fact, I feel fantastic! I've just been getting ready for this do tonight, sraightened all my hair (wow, it's boob length when straight!) and I feel the best I've felt in ages! The next few weekends are taken care of, with more invites flooding in! It feels kinda nice to be in demand and think that people really want you around. Guess I can't be that bad after all! After last week's disappointing events, it's just what I needed, as I'd started to think maybe it's me, maybe I'm being unreasonable, maybe I'm a social retard or something. That sounds stupid, but when you attract one weirdo after the next you start to get a little paranoid! Anyway, I've stuck to my guns. If someone that was only supposed to be my friend can go nutso, then sod it, I have plenty of other friends, it was just a bit unexpected! I'm just going to enjoy myself over the next few weekends and make the most of travelling around here there and everywhere! Life feels really exciting again all of sudden! I'm just going to take a moment to thank two wonderful friends for all their kindness, patience and support over the last few months. It really has meant the world to me, and I will never forget it. I don't think I'd be quite as sane without you two! (No comments on the sanity please, hehe!)
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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I sit here sometimes and wonder where on earth the time has gone, it seems like yesterday that I was twenty two, the world was fresh, exciting and full of unopened doors just waiting to be discovered. Here I sit almost ten years later contemplating what I've done and what I haven't. I thought I knew it all back then, saw myself as worldly-wise. I guess I was for my age - running off and living abroad on a whim kinda does that for you - but I never listened to my elders and betters. I was going to do it all whatever anyone had to say about it. In that respect, not much has changed, hehe! During that decade, I've seen friends come and go, some departing for pastures new, some for the big ole party in the sky. I've found myself, lost myself and found myself again, nearly got on the escaltor for the upstairs party once or twice myself and realised how lucky I am just be be alive, right here and now. It seems to have come full circle...I feel on the threshold of a new beginning, wondering what the next ten years will bring, or what I'll make of them. Life is still full of undiscovered doors waiting to be opened, but now I open them a little more cautiously, peeping through first to see what lies beyond instead of flinging it open and leaping through. Peep or leap? Both can be good, it's knowing which ones to apply each to.
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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I don't know exactly what I want to say, only the jist of it, so I'll just write and see what comes out. I've made some really good friends online, friends that i think the world of, that I will always be there for and keep in touch with, even if I can't contact them as often for whatever reason. However, It bugs me that lately people don't tend to think of me as the separate entity that I am, but merely another being that just appears to be glued on to someone else. Almost like an extra head or something. When I choose to become close to people, I do it because I like the person that they are and have a connection with them, and not to try and attach myself at the hip like some conjoined twin. It bugs me that people can't just see me as me and not just as one half of a double or triple act...I've always been my own person and very much an individual. I don't post about my personal life too much any more, so I guess others just assume that I am fine all the time because I no longer share details. I have a good reason for being a little more private these days. The reality is that I don't want to put my problems onto others, so I just log off instead. I guess I'm just in a bit of an impatient mood with people at the moment, especially when i see the same behaviour patterns displayed over and over. I know myself I am person who moves in cycles, so i recognise the same patterns and character traits in others. I am not responsible for anyone else's choices, feelings or decisions, I can only be there and advise when it's asked for. If I happen to look out for people it's because I and I alone choose to, not because I feel I should or have to. I give my genuine friendship freely to those that I think enough of, but that doesn't mean that I don't still have my own stuff to think about, because I do. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't happen to know what's going on with others all of the time as I'm not one part of two beings that make up some freaky whole. I'm just me. If you value my friendship, then talk to me as just me. No-one likes feeling like a prosthetic head.
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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i've been in a bit of an introspective mood over the last few days, and this has led me to think about where I've gone wrong in the past, analysing myself to try and find out if it's something within me, a behaviour pattern or personality trait rather than bad luck. The story of my life is that even though I'm quite outgoing and not circus-freak ugly, I find it really hard to meet normal, balanced guys. Why this is I don't know. It's always been the same, the ones I like don't see me in that way and tend to go for the more traditional socially acceptable fashionista poseur-queen types. I'm happy to be one of the lads, as that's far more fun anyday, but a little annoying sometimes. I think that's why I haven't had many friends who are girls up until recent years, when it comes to having to keep up with latest trends etc and talk about shoes all night I tend to lose interest. Plus the fact I feel like I stick out like a banjo at a funeral. Sure, I get a lot of attention, but it's always from the kind of people who seem as if they might start licking the windows any minute. Maybe they're the only ones that don't find me intimidating? I dunno, I don't think I am. A total daftass maybe, but that's accidental! I'm still trying to figure out why the same things keep occuring, but I'm getting a bit lost...I want to be able to finally peel off the 'Flypaper for Freaks' sign that seems to be glued to my forehead once and for all.
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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This is going to be a morbid one, so go on to something else if you're in a wrist slashing mood. I also promise that I am not the angel of death. At least I hope. Another subject got to me...I mean really got to me. It's no-one's fault, just my own reaction to things that have happened. This sounds stupid, but throughout my life people have died on me on a regular basis. I remember the first time... There was a little girl at first school called Emily, and I just remember her being green - literally the colour of moss - and she couldn't walk well, let alone run. The other kids picked on her, me and my friend Claire used to stick up for her and give 'em a kick in the shins. One day, we held her arms over our shoulders and ran like loonies around the playground...the shrieks of delight were music to our ears! We didn't see Emily again, she died the day after. Then there's Marilla who I worked with whilst training to be a hairdresser. Fine one minute, then she got taken into hospital with pains...she'd had lymphatic cancer and never knew. She died the same night. Then my friend Sue in Malta - drank herself to death. Left a hubby and two little kiddies. By far the hardest ones to come to terms with are the students. One, a hairdressing student at Gt. Yarmouth college, was murdered by her own husband and dumped in the river. I remember hearing about a half-naked girl being found, but never thought it would be someone that I saw and spoke to every day. I was strong and managed to keep it together for the others, even arranged a memorial do for her. I kept it together right up until I had to read something I'd written for her...I looked up and saw the faces of her family, her daughter - it seemed so lame. A friend took over while I sobbed outside...I'm so ashamed of that. The one that really got to me more than anything happened a few years ago. I went into work one day to be told that one of the kids had hung himself during the night, he was twelve years old. He was a nice kid, very quiet. No-one had picked up on how sad he must have been. I will always wonder if there was something more that any of us could have done. These are just some of things that keep me awake at night sometimes. I'm posting this here because I need to get it offmy chest..It's quite cathartic and allows me to vocalise without having to actually talk about it to anyone. I warned it was going to be morbid!
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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I'm going to make full use of this today...I'm having the most horrible day that I've had in ages. Loads of staff are out, I'm mainly doing lower school today and they've been doing my head in so much that I'm te,pted to chew my own arm off just to get away! I've been sworn at twice and nothing has been followed up yet by SMT and I'm so furious about it! Yet again it's just going to be down to me isn't it? If I get any more pissed off I think my head is going to explode!
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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Today I got to do something that I've always wanted to do, and that was to visit the Parsonage at Haworth, the home of Charlotte, Emily and Anne Bronte. I admire them for a number of reasons, the most obvious being their literary genius. Their novels shocked Victorian society with themes such as madness, bigamy, class prejudice and alchoholism, let alone going under the pseudonyms of Acton, Currer and Ellis Bell in order to get their work published at a time when female authors were frowned upon. Haworth itself is picture-postcard perfect with cobbled streets and stone buildings that rise up a steep incline towards the church and Parsonage at the very top. The first room I saw was the dining room, complete with original furniture- the table that Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights were written at - it was mindblowing! Charlotte's room was equally as awe-inspiring. One of her dresses was on display, as well as some of her shoes, correspondance and other personal belongings. It's amazing how tiny she was! Those shoes were the smallest and narrowest I've ever seen. Other pieces, such as paintings done by the sisters were also on display...all three were multitalented, being able to write, draw and paint and Anne was an accomplished pianist. Less is known about their brother, Branwell. He was also a talented author who saw his work in print, but is a little better known for his paintings. His studio still exists and houses a number of his works, including a portrait of the three sisters. The Parsonage today is well preserved and maintains a haunting yet serene atmosphere, which is a stark contrast to the bleakness of the moors behind the village. I would have loved to have gone for a ramble on them for a while, but I don't think Hamster's little 'un (who I had with me) would have been up for it! While I'm at it, I'm going to say a huge thankyou to her mum, who was a really good sport and offered to take me! Last edited on 11:29 pm by Pinky |
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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What have I started? I posted that I was laying off the booze for a bit and now everyone thinks I'm a soused-up alkie! Ok, I do drink a fair bit at weekends, but to be fair, so do most people I know. It's just more obvious with me because I post as well! I'd never have said anything if I'd known that people would jump to the conclusion that I have a problem or I need to be carted off to an AA meeting, that's just not the case. It's the same as if I decided to quit smoking or not eat chocolate for a few months. Somehow I don't think anyone would make such unfair assumptions based on those things though. I know people mean well, but assuming I have 'issues' is really quite insulting! After all, I'd hardly be able to hold down a demanding job and function at the level that I do if I was getting wrecked all the time, would I? I know damn well that a couple of people have been discussing it and it's been blown out of all proportion. When I know something so absolutely, I'm never wrong. All I'll say about that matter is that if anyone was concerned enough to yak about it to someone else, they could have just talked to me outright instead of just judging me by the little bit of my life that they've seen rather than the whole picture, which is a different matter entirely. No-one here sees me doing lesson plans for hours on end or writing reports or marking books or tests. THAT is the majority of my reality, not getting wazzed on wine, which is the small social part of my life that others see. I'm setting the record straight here because I'm not having anyone making assumptions about me that are so way off the mark. Last edited on 03:55 pm by Pinky |
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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So many people that I'm fond of have mailed and pm'd me lately that I thought I'd pop in just to explain why I've not been about - after all, they are friends and I owe them that much at least. Some of the comments directed towards me really got to me, I usually let most things go over my head but was unable to do so this time because I couldn't even set the record straight and explain myself without some self-righteous gitbag jumping down my throat about it. At that point I thought it best just to log off - something I NEVER do, I will normally always stay and fight my corner. Those that know me really well, like UTR, LC and Hammy know that I have one hell of a temper and when it kicks in, I'm best off away from other people. Let's put it this way, I'm still pretty mad about the insinuations towards me and I don't trust myself not to let rip in a big way if it happens again, so for the time being I'm gone until I can let it go over my head once more. To the people who think they know me but actually have no clue - I didn't drink all this week as I'm back at work, pretty normal as I don't usually drink on schoolnights. As it was Friday yesterday, I had four glasses of wine. And I really have such an alchohol problem huh? And before anyone decides to write me a snotty blog reply like last time, I wouldn't bother as I won't be reading it anyway...take a look at my Av. That's for you. To end on a positive note, this is for my friends (most of the people here!) thankyou for all your love, concern and continued friendship...I miss you loads and will come back once the temper thing has passed!
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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Life has been mega busy just lately, I've been starting to write articles for a magazine and getting some poetry published, which is a major bonus for me, I never thought it would happen! Consequently, I've not been around much lately anyhow, but I also popped in, saw things kicking off and went again as I just don't have the time or the inclination to get involved in arguments at the mo. The way I see it is that if you're going to, then you have to be able to back yourself up and keep going, not react emotively. I've also learnt from experience elsewhere that people always expect you to pick a side. If I say what I think, it's because I think it - not because of who my friends are. IMO, if you're going to argue your point, you should be able to stand alone and do it. If you can't, don't bother. If you need a gang behind you to back you up, your points are probably pretty weak to start with. I feel sad that a few friends have left, but that's life at the end of the day. I know where they are, so it's not the end of the world. A few people have asked me what I'm doing...I'll put it here anyway. This has happened before at another board...a load of people left in sympathy but I didn't. That doesn't mean I think any less of them, I certainly don't, but I go my own way and I've never been influenced by what other people do. Most people who know me well understand that. Besides that, there are a load of people here that I like talking to! Bringing down a few arrogant buggers a peg or two isn't such a hardship either! 
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Pinky Forum-Blogger© Original500© Member Scary Mofo
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Well, I'm back after a bit of an absence...I don't mind saying that I'm back to being what I think of as my normal self again. By that, I refer to the bit of me that didn't seem to stir up aggro wherever they went and take stuff out on people that didn't deserve it. Not that I'm making excuses mind, I'm responsible for what comes out of my gob. I guess it would be stupid to try and apologise to all the people I've been crappy to...it doesn't mean anything without action, does it? So, Now that I'm in a better place in these recent months, I'll just try and be more of a decent person. That won't be too hard, as I'm happy as hell these days! Everything in my life is coming up trumps - my social life is totally bonkers, so I'm hardly ever in these days, loads of cool new staff started at work (why I'm hardly ever in) and the head is amazing...he's funding my next degree! Talk about grabbing life the whatsits!!! In short, I guess I'm pretty ashamed of the way I've behaved in the past. Most people didn't deserve the acerbic comments I've made. Everyone here is nice as pie, I feel pretty bad now that I can see what a total git I've been sometimes. There's only one person that I've meant every word I said about, and she's not here anyway. Before you even think it, no I'm not going soft. Far from it. I still don't suffer idiots well....I just have a bit more grace to forgive them when they cheese me off and not take things personally. Last edited on 02:11 am by Pinky |
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